Friday, January 15, 2010

My Story

My story is I'm learning how not to have stories.

My stories tell a tale of dysfunction, abuse and neglect on the part of others and general repeated stupidity on my part. The more I tell these stories, the worse I feel about myself, my life, and the world in general. And I've told them for decades.

Most who know me know that my relationship of seven years ended in September, 2009. Since the breakup, I have been trying to heal the pain of the separation and abandonment but at the same time, telling the story (again and again) of hurt and betrayal was keeping the pain fresh. Reliving every little nuance and detail. The conversations with him in my mind that kept me in an agitated state but (the conversations) were imaginary and never actually happened. I was constantly agitated over...something that hadn't happened! Doesn't get much crazier than that.

And the desperate need to know WHY! If you want to drive a Virgo insane, break up with her and don't give her a logical reason! The reason was left to my imagination. And my imagination took me to some awful places.

As it turned out, the "reason" accompanied him to his family's Christmas dinner in December. Which added to the story and took me to all sort of OTHER awful imaginary places. How long had this been going on? He's known her for years. I've sat right next to him on the couch when he's taken her calls. I've asked how she's doing. Blah, blah, blah...

The only way through the pain was to let go but rehashing and modifying the "story" kept me holding on.

It still hurts like hell. As much as I would love to cast him in the part of "bad guy", as a grown up, I realize that the truth of all this pain is that I loved him and he didn't choose me. As I write this, my eyes filling with tears, it only serves as proof that not all of our "stories" are worthy of sharing again and again. They're just stories. And these stories lead to a path of bitterness and distrust. I've navigated that path all my life and I know where it leads. This time, I'm headed a in a different direction.

I'm exchanging bitterness and distrust for discernment. I'm keeping compassion and empathy for others. And for myself. I'm adding self care and balance in all things. A beautiful home that serves as a temple for my Spirit. Serenity. Peace. And I will never give up on love.


  1. Jules,
    I have walked those shoes my dear I even thought by talking him into me being his mistress after a couple of years would make it all better not knowing the 'WHY' of course I was wrong and felt like shit everytime I brought her up and he would say I don't want to talk about my relationship. lol who was I kidding, only MYSELF
    Much love and healing light being sent your way my dear.
    Brightest Blessings,

  2. Thank you for sharing that with me.

  3. (big hugs) I also keep telling myself unhelpful stories over and over. Been working hard to forgive myself and others and just let things go, but ... somedays I'm better at that than others.

  4. You and me both, sister! Thanks so much for commenting.

  5. Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. ~ Hawkeye - "Mash" January 7, 1973 NEVER.. give up, g-friend! You're worth a million!

  6. I'm happy to have found your blog. Keep it up. I'll keep reading.

  7. I'm happy you found me, too! I read you blog every day! Thank you!